I recently purchased Popsicle Tropicals: artificially colored, flavored, and sweetened frozen chemical chunks. But boy are they tasty. I can't get enough of them. Stamped on each of the Popsicle sticks is a unfailingly corny joke.
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| A sampling of the corniness that lurks at the center of each Tropical Popsicle. |
It's a Catch-22. You want a tasty frozen treat without having puns literally forced down your throat. Yes, not since an iceberg smashed through the hull of the Titanic did a chunk of ice have such a sobering and unfunny effect on scores of unsuspecting victims.
Popsicle is only trying to come up with jokes that appeal to the masses, and therein lies the problem. Their attempts at humor lack something that most people prefer in a joke: funniness? Where did they find the talentless soul who wrote these? In a lobotomy recovery ward? Typing fortune cookie notes in an overseas sweatshop?
I suck down the remnants of another Popsicle and I survey the Popsicle stick warily. The cringeworthy joke sets the bar at a new low: "What's the best side of the house to put the porch on? The outside."
Has even been a person out there who laughed at one of these jokes? If so, I hope they live in a remote corner of Montana which I never stumble across.
I believe the point may be not to make us laugh but to induce a depression so deep that we go on a Popsicle eating binge.
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| The cause of indigestion |
The conclusion that the people at Popsicle must have arrived is you can't please everyone... so don't please anyone. Who do they think their consumers are? Mentally underdeveloped half-wits? Die-hard fans of Dancing with the Stars? People with the imagination of corporate accountants?
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| At least the son of the CEO is employed |
Whatever the case, one thing is for sure. I plan to stock my freezer with as many Popsicles as it can hold.
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