Dead Man: A really weird corner of the West

Johnny Depp is accountant William Blake, who traveled from the East coast to secure a job as an accountant in a Western town. But he arrives to a hellhole. 

The dismal landscape is chock full of sadistic cowboys, homicidal trappers, rapists, and cannibals. Nice guy Blake has some difficulty finding his clique. When a woman is tossed out of the saloon onto the muddy street. Blake acts nice and they end up in the sack. Somehow Blake is falsely accused of murder and a bunch of bounty hunters are hot on his trail.



Blake is the Chuck Norris of accountants. He shoots and stabs his way through quite a few transvestites, lunatics, and shopkeepers of the old West. Blake befriends a Native American who patches up his wounds. He is obese  for a hunter-gatherer, however, so I have to wonder just where he goes to get the all you can eat acorn buffet. The two travel around the wilderness, Blake on a stolen horse. On his tail, the three grisly bounty hunters can't even cooperate long enough to stop murdering each other.


Random encounters lead to more deaths. The killing and carnage is random, often accidental, and well, let's face it everyone dies. Except for the cannibal.

The black and white film hints a bit of the afterlife and at one point Blake can't even figure out if he is dead. For the entire two hours of the film, we are anticipating Blake's death. The movie is named "Dead Man" after all. Every gun in the West is trained on Blake. I don't know... Depp in a Western sounds about as strange as Depp in a pirate movie. The movie is weird and surreal, but what can you expect from Johnny Depp?

DEAD MAN: 4 ACES

Popsicle Tropicals: No Laughing Matter

I recently purchased Popsicle Tropicals: artificially colored, flavored, and sweetened frozen chemical chunks. But boy are they tasty. I can't get enough of them. Stamped on each of the Popsicle sticks is a unfailingly corny joke.

A sampling of the corniness that lurks at the center of each Tropical Popsicle.

It's a Catch-22. You want a tasty frozen treat without having puns literally forced down your throat. Yes, not since an iceberg smashed through the hull of the Titanic did a chunk of ice have such a sobering and unfunny effect on scores of unsuspecting victims. 

Popsicle is only trying to come up with jokes that appeal to the masses, and therein lies the problem. Their attempts at humor lack something that most people prefer in a joke: funniness? Where did they find the talentless soul who wrote these? In a lobotomy recovery ward? Typing fortune cookie notes in an overseas sweatshop?

I suck down the remnants of another Popsicle and I survey the Popsicle stick warily. The cringeworthy joke sets the bar at a new low: "What's the best side of the house to put the porch on? The outside."

Has even been a person out there who laughed at one of these jokes? If so, I hope they live in a remote corner of Montana which I never stumble across. 

I believe the point may be not to make us laugh but to induce a depression so deep that we go on a Popsicle eating binge. 

The cause of indigestion

The conclusion that the people at Popsicle must have arrived is you can't please everyone... so don't please anyone. Who do they think their consumers are? Mentally underdeveloped half-wits? Die-hard fans of Dancing with the Stars? People with the imagination of corporate accountants?  

At least the son of the CEO is employed

Whatever the case, one thing is for sure. I plan to stock my freezer with as many Popsicles as it can hold.

The IT Crowd: The Dumb Leading the Blind

After watching every British sitcom available on Netflix and turning them off in disgust after five minutes, I was beginning to think that the watchable sitcom had gone extinct in the late 20th century. Then I stumbled across The IT Crowd.

Relegated to the basement, the IT department dresses
suitably for their environment.

This show is so cynical it could turn anyone off to the business world. The show centers around two pathetically socially inept dorks, Roy and Moss, who work in the basement IT department. They are saddled with a new supervisor, Jen, who knows next to nothing about computers. She fools company head Denholm Reynholm into believing she is qualified to run the department by dropping technical terms such as 'mouse' to demonstrate her expertise. Of course, this satisfies him; he is as advanced in the hierarchy as he is incompetent. But Jen doesn't mind pretending she knows how to run the department. What businessperson would ever do that?

Ms. Handy-with-a-mouse smooth talks her way into the IT
department supervisor role - but she can't fool the nerds
themselves.

The IT dorks are not as haughty as the typical elitist computer geeks. They view the constant phone calls to their department with a sort of existential desperation; rather than answering the phones they created an automated answering service to remind callers to turn on their computers, which solves their technical issue 99% of the time.

I was impressed by Graham Linehan's writing of The IT Crowd. This show actually challenged my dismal outlook on the state of comedy.

Rejected by every female they encounter and unappreciated by management, I think we can all relate to the cast of The Crowd. Wait, you can too, right?

RATING: 5 ACES

Silas McGee, My Debut Short Story

Finally old Silas McGee learned to tie his shoes and was ready to venture into the world outside his home. Then he dropped dead due to heart failure.

Seraphim Falls: A Steam Age McGyver

The civil war is over and one officer is on the trail of another. Carver, played by Liam Neeson, pursues Gideon (Pierce Brosnan) through the mountains of Nevada. He pursues him through the wilderness. Then he pursues him through the desert. In short, Gideon has a lot less fun in Nevada than the 80 year old retiree who hangs out at the Reno Peppermill and order the fifty cent screwdriver.

The knife with which Gideon performs surgery on himself,
removes a horses intestine and hops inside the carcass, and kills
lots and lots of men. All in a day's work for this homeless Bond.

We've all had the pleasure of Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. Here we get to see him as a cowboy McGyver. With resourcefulness that would give Robinson Crusoe an inferiority complex, Gideon hides inside a dead horse and lunges outwards to attack his pursuers. In one gut-wrenching scene after he is shot by the Carver, Gideon digs a bullet out of his arm with a bowie knife. The intelligent filmgoer surely will ask themselves ask ourselves why the sissy didn't leave it in. He also plunges over a waterfall to escape from Carver's gang. One by one Carver's gang fall to Gideon's superior hand.

Carver with a couple of his hired thugs.

In a most Westerns, the characters gun each other down willy nilly. In others the reason for an obsessive desire for revenge is revealed early in the movie. We do not know if Carver is pissed off because Gideon shuffled playing cards badly or because he did something slightly more upsetting, like murdering his every living relative.

Seraphim Falls starts off fast and tapers off slightly as the chase scene turns into a marathon. It picks up at the end with the arrival of a gypsy woman, played by Angelica Huston, and a mysterious Native American and the revealing of Carver's motivation.

Also impressive is that two Irishmen manage to act like cowboys.

GRADE: TWO BULLET HOLES

Saloon Brawl Video Game

You travel the old West visiting random bars and picking fights. Try not to get knocked out or your brawling career might come to a premature end.

Saloon Brawl Join in the saloon brawl and knock out the other cowboys!

Play this free game now!!

Emperor of the North Pole: A Tale of Two Psychos

During the height of the Great Depression, Ernest Borgnine plays Shak, the railroad police officer with a sadistic bloodlust that would make even the BART Police take a second look at his job application.

Who among us hasn't been peacefully eating a sandwich when
we are hammered on the head by a cop.

Wielding a simple hammer Shak methodically moving from railroad car to car. Attacking hoboes from behind while they're usually eating or relaxing on the train, Shak has a thorough knowledge of police procedure - down to the requisite donut wolfing as his appearance suggests.

Wait a minute you say, how is this a Western? Never mind, it takes place on a Steam locomotive on the West coast. If this doesn't mollify you, maybe Kim Kardashian's blog would be more up your alley.

Cigarette isn't sure whether to laugh or shit himself so
he chooses the latter.

When hobo prince A number 1, played by Lee Marvin, and young tramp Cigarette, played by Keith Carradine, stow away on Shak's train they quickly realize they are in danger. So they do what anyone else would do and set their boxcar on fire. A Number 1 escapes but Cigarette is smoked out from the flaming boxcar.



The stage is set for the confrontation of A Number 1 with Shak. A Number 1 takes up the challenge of riding Shak's train all the way to Portland.  Soon Shak and A Number 1 find themselves in an all out battle to the death. Unless you count the time Kurt Cobain took his final bath, the Pacific Northwest has never been the site of such intense violence. In the final battle between Shak and A Number One I wasn't sure if I was watching two psychos go at it or this was actually a Terminator prequel. No way, because Borgnine and Marvin constantly laugh maniacally so you know they are not cyborgs, but people who could use the services of Dr. Phil.

What a nice day for an axe fight.

RATING: FIVE ACES

Death Rides a Horse: A Night Mare

Here we see one of the rare scenes during which I recommend
you are not in the kitchen preparing popcorn.

Fifteen years ago when Bill Meceita was a child, bandits raped and murdered his family before his eyes while he watched the entire scene. Young Bill would have needed 300 episodes of Barney and 1500 volts of shock therapy before he was even close to well-balanced after undergoing such trauma. But with the advent of television about 100 years away and the wild west short on mental health professionals, he'll have to make due with vengeance, courtesy of hot lead.

No, we would not like some girl scout cookies... oh wait you
mean you guys are here to kill us? You could have fooled me in those
outfits.

The murderers wore bandannas which concealed their faces. However young Bill, using his photographic memory, took note of their highly unique yet bizarre costume jewelry, tattoos, and other bizarre paraphernalia. 


Fifteen years older and fifteen times madder, Bill wiles his time away at the firing range plugging bottles and ingeniously fashioned targets which fashioned during his free time, when he was not shooting things. Now he is ready to inflict some serious damage on the bad guys. And afterwards maybe he can get a life.

Bill takes note of a distinctive pendant worn by one of the
murderers, who shops at the dollar store.

Bill is a fittingly terse main character. His terse lines make the Terminator seem as bombastic as Jesse Jackson. As he approaches his goal of becoming a mass murderer, Bill feels a sense of elation. But then he runs into trouble. 


Trouble has the name of Ryan.

Ryan is a recently freed convict with revenge on his agenda. He was double crossed by the same thugs who wiped out Bill’s family. Like me you probably wonder why such a nice group of upstanding fellas would do something like that? Hmm, you think you know people sometimes.

No thanks, I would not like some salt before I bake
in the hot sun, thinks Bill. Please pass the water.

When they framed Ryan, he was sentenced to fifteen years in prison. Both men are motivated by revenge but Ryan’s desire is money, not blood; and blackmail and a pistol are his tools of the trade. A dead body can’t buy too much horse feed.

The scenes of violence are sprinkled liberally throughout the movie. Before each major gunfight, there are a handful of lesser bad guys to kill. It is reminiscent of the relatively weak opponents a player must destroy in video game before the more challenging adversary, the boss. If I have to spell it out for you, the plot was stolen from Super Mario Bros. 

Ryan is glad he saved Bill after Bill saved him and kept the
plot's pattern consistent.

You don’t have to wait fifteen minutes before Bill executes another of his arch enemies. It’s enough time to take a bathroom break, order a pizza, and nuke another bowl of popcorn. This is one of the most masterful yet pragmatic plots ever conceived. The orgies of violence are intense yet brief. Sufferers of acute ADD can go to the kitchen for snack and arrive back in their easy-chair time for the next wave of killing – all without having to hit the pause button.

There is a certain pattern in the plot of this film, which was not clearly evident upon the first viewing. However, after a few dozen viewings and days spent poring over a white board, I excitedly hit the pause button. The pattern in the plot was suddenly revealed as clear as day. I believe that, at that moment, I felt the way Columbus felt when he saw land. This is pattern which I discovered: First Ryan saves Bill. Then Bill saves Ryan. Then Ryan saves Bill. Then Bill saves Ryan.  See, it repeats. But there is a surprise twist ending. Before what we believed was the first time Ryan saved Bill – Ryan saved Bill!

I hope "Death Rides a Horse" provides you as much amusement as it did for me. Even if you do not laugh along with it at least you can laugh at it.

RATING: PAIR OF ACES

Two Mules for Sister Sarah: What a Waste of a Couple Good Asses

Sister Sarah committing blasphemy by showing up Clint
again.

“Everybody’s got a right to be a sucker once,” says Hogan.


Yes, but Clint Eastwood isn’t just anyone. And he never has the right to be a sucker.

Clint plays Hogan, a mercenary working for the Mexican army. He comes to Sister Sarah’s aid, rescuing her from some evil cowboys. The Man With No Name, Clint’s typical Western character, occasionally saves a hapless victim while pursuing the scent of money. But in this film, Eastwood wastes far too much time putting up with Sister Sarah’s antics and too little time dispatching the bad guys.


After Hogan saves Sarah, the pair are on the run from a company of French soldiers who are tracking her. A lone French soldier is dispatched to search behind a wall where Sarah and Clint hide. As he approaches, Sister Sarah scares him away by shaking the tail of a dead rattlesnake. Clint never has sidekick in his Westerns, let alone one who saves him. And Clint never solves his problems with anything other than a blazing pistol.

As they continue on their travels an Indian arrow strikes Hogan in the shoulder. But Sarah stops him from demolishing the group of Indian braves.

“Do you think you can shoot all of them?” she asks with a sneer.

Sister Sarah is lucky her fist was not
shoved some place dark.

I do not know who this insolent woman thinks she is, but she apparently believes she can cast doubt on Clint’s abilities. I am surprised that Clint did not shoot all of the Indians and save the last bullet for Sister Sarah.

Sarah proceeds to save Clint again when she displays her cross and frightens the Indians into submission. I almost stop watching here but something compels me to obligingly continue my viewing as this multi-car accident of a film plays out before my eyes.

Clint and Sister Sarah travel to a railroad trestle. Their plan is to blow it up to stop a supply train from reaching the French troops. After placing the dynamite on the bridge, Clint must shoot it to make it explode. He takes some practice shots with his rifle and misses the mark. I wonder how many times the scene had to be filmed and how hard Clint had to concentrate to will himself miss a shot.

Sister Sarah makes a pretty good
stand for Clint's gun.

Hogan asks Sister Sarah to save him again by shooting the dynamite and blowing up the trestle. Sarah punches Clint in the face. By this point in the film, the screenwriter has so soiled Clint’s name, that I am no longer shocked by anything and am watching the film in a catatonic state. Clint eventually shoots the dynamite and blows up the trestle. But we feel that it is irrelevant whether the trestle is destroyed or not. The damage has already been done.

We watch later scenes with a heavy heart repeatedly telling ourselves this isn’t really Clint. With expert camera techniques and an uncanny lookalike actor a movie has been made with a guy who looks like Clint.

Later when Clint meets up with a Mexican Coronel the two argue and it seems blood will surely be spilled. But meddlesome Sister Sarah breaks up the fight and ruins Clint’s fun once again. Couldn’t we hear Clint engage in some verbal abuse of the Colonel? We are in sore need of this but unfortunately the Colonel gets the last word. How did that even happen?

Although Clint kills countless Frenchies in the final battle it is not enough to redeem his tarnished image and the movie itself.

Everyone’s got a right to be a sucker once. And I took advantage of that right the first and last time I will ever watch this film.

El Condor: We'll Do Anything for Some Booty

Jaroo chasing the right kind of booty.

Serving up a gargantuan portion of sex, nudity, and bloodshed, El Condor contains the perfect combination of ingredients for a fine film. But when the theme that it is noble to risk one’s life for love is introduced, the film becomes unpalatable and no longer appeals to even the most naive viewer.

Luke is an escaped convict who joins forces with Jaroo, a fortune seeker, and a band of Apaches. This unlikely team attempts to penetrate a fortress guarded by the Mexican army and a commandant named Chavez.

But the commandant’s mistress, Claudine, and Luke fall in love. This leads to the climax of the film in which Luke duels the commandant for the hand of Claudine. When Luke falls madly in love with Claudine he loses all credibility, believability, respectability, and likeability. The screenwriter’s desperate attempt to create a story which appeals to sensibilities of women ruins an otherwise commendable gore-fest. It is unfortunate for until this point, we liked Luke. Although he is insatiably greedy, this is understandable, human, and within the realm of normal human desire. When Luke falls in love with Claudine we feel that Luke has, in a sense, died.

Luke and Jaroo generally display such carelessness and lack of foresight that they make Mel Gibson look like chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov. But before losing his mind, Luke is the voice of reason. His rationality, albeit meager, tempers Jaroo’s negligence. When Jaroo bargains with Chavez for a small wagon-load of gold, Luke insists on returning the gold. He argues that they should not settle for anything less than all of the gold in the fort.

If we knew of Luke's irrational
feelings for Claudine, we would
have wanted him to give up here. 

In one of the film’s most memorable scenes a group of soldiers rape female villagers. Luke, Jaroo, and the Apaches murder the soldiers while they lay in bed. The women serve as a distraction, creating an opportunity for the men to ambush the soldiers. I am certain that every female who has seen this film believed that the men killed the soldiers to avenge the rapes. However, in truth, the women were only utilized as instruments to attack the soldiers and take their uniforms, by which to gain entry to the fortress. The screenwriter wrote this scene with the aim of purposely misleading female viewers. It is a deft maneuver of script writing. While female viewers are led to believe the men kill the soldiers with noble intent, the rest of the audience remains conscious of reality as it unfolds before our eyes.

In the most artistically compelling scene of the movie, Claudine strips in front of the entire Mexican army. Her striptease distracts the soldiers while Luke, Jaroo, and the Apaches sneak into the fort and ambush them. Claudine performs her striptease for Luke’s benefit, and this gives us hope. We hope that Luke is merely using Claudine as a means to satisfy his greed and attain the gold. However our hope turns to utter disappointment and disillusionment as we realize that Luke is indeed in love with Claudine.

The final battle between Luke and the commandant is completely contrived and ineffective. We are now rooting for the commandant rather than Luke. We wish Luke died earlier, when he was still likeable, before he became insane and believed himself to be in love. Due to the ludicrous nature of the scene, it’s hard to understand how the actors were not rendered helpless by fits of laughter. But the fact that they retained their composure during this preposterous scene is a testament to their mastery of the craft of acting.

El Condor possesses all of the elements that make a Western great but in its theme it fails miserably. The foolish risks taken by Luke and Jaroo for a few crumbs of gold suddenly seem reasonable when compared to the final duel, when Luke risks his life for nothing.